Keeping it Kind

How does it feel?  There it is. That stabbing tightness in my chest that forces a sob from my throat. A throat that is painfully constricted from holding back hysteria.  What is that tightness? It’s my body registering my mind’s thoughts of escaping. It’s my body reacting to the feeling of being so trapped, so sad, so exhausted.  Tears are spilling uncontrollably and I wonder how on earth I’ve ended up here again.  I was fine earlier. I was happily preaching kindness to Twitter and following my new “routine”. I didn’t do anything to trigger this. I didn’t speak to anyone who hurt me. I wasn’t sad when I started crying even. I was watching a tv series.  There was a woman on her own, struggling to be everything to everyone and survive.  Maybe I felt empathy. Maybe, selfishly, I saw myself in her and felt self pity. But it shouldn’t have unleashed this tidal wave of despondency.  That’s the thing with Depression and Anxiety combined, sometimes how you feel is as changeable as

I have been thinking a lot about how grateful and lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. I am rarely lonely. I have family, friends, colleagues and tweetiepies all keeping an eye on me this festive season. I won’t lie. It is this that has saved me this year. The warmth and kindness of YOU! All of you. You have reached out and made another human feel worthwhile. Thank you! So, now that I am a little stronger, I am contemplating how to stretch my usual kindness into the Christmas season.  This is a hard and lonely time of year for so many people. People who are isolated, estranged from loved ones, homeless or far from home in a strange and unfamiliar country. People who are elderly, people for whom there is a poignantly empty chair at their table, people whose Christmas will be spent in or by a hospital bed.  More than ever I feel the urge to connect. It is so important that we insure that the vulnerable are cared for. So what can we do? Here is what a little research fo

I like to think that we all start out with the intention of being kind. We want to make others happy. We desire for the world to be calm and peaceful.  But the habit of thinking and acting with clemency and kindness is a hard one to develop. We are drawn into whinges, into pointing out negatives in lives, in ideas, in others, in ourselves.  I suppose this post could be about many things: forgiving, choosing peace, letting go of grievances. But I like the idea of clemency towards ourselves and others.  Making mistakes is human. Saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing.... even believing the wrong thing. All human foibles. The world needs more mercy. I believe seeking to understand rather than seeking to judge is the greatest pathway to happiness. People are rarely cruel or unpleasant as a natural disposition. They have their reasons, journeys and baggage that can make them so.  If someone carrying a suitcase arrived at a station hot, flustered and annoyed would you: A/ ignore the s

I often find it difficult to trust my instincts when it comes to knowing how genuine someone is. I tend to believe that the world is kind. People are generally nice. Intentions are usually good. I believe this despite endless experiences to the contrary.  I decided I might need help in finding out how to spot the disingenuous from the genuine.   Research I began with a google search “how to spot genuine kindness”.  Oh dear. According to this search and the top three responses, I possess many traits of someone who isn’t genuinely kind. That’s a bit worrying. (Apparently being sensitive about such things can mean you aren’t genuine though so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be worried!)  “People who are genuinely kind don’t care if they are liked.” Really? Wowza. Do they care if they are hated? I wonder because, is it not human instinct to care?  Some aspects of these self help articles seem sensible:  - they treat everyone with respect - they do thing

Happy world kindness day! I awoke this morning after experiencing one act of unkindness and then hundreds of acts of loveliness in response last night. I’m sat in my new bed, which my brother kindly helped me put together, in my newly decorated bedroom, which my friend Sam kindly helped me paint, propped up by silk pillows, which my friend Abi donated to my DIY cause. If I were to move around my house I would see the kindness of others everywhere. It is ingrained in these four walls. It is on my phone  via messages and on social media and in voicemails from my mum! It is outside my door in my neighbours who have supported me to move back home after a difficult experience.  Sometimes it is hard to see or feel this beautiful effect. We become obsessed by the obvious things like hurt, anger, stress or despondency and forget to look just one layer deeper to the ever-present kindness that envelops us.  Yes, there are unworthy, unkind people in the world. I cannot lie. There are some who are

There is a limit to every good person’s reserves of kindness. Sometimes the kindest people do not set their own value highly enough. They allow themselves to be drained by those who see kindness as weakness.  This is a conundrum for me. I genuinely believe in being kind in the face of cruelty. I believe the force of kindness is unparalleled in bringing about positive change.  But I find myself drained. My kindness has been used up by people who wasted it, took more than they needed and squandered it thoughtlessly. I am only human. It hurts to know I have been used unfairly.   Those who struggle to understand kindness have repeatedly told me to toughen up, wise up and stop giving my kindness away. If only I could. But it is often those who are cruelest who are most in need of kindness.  So I keep pouring kindness on stony ground. I keep allowing myself to be tapped as a resource. I try to remember that being kind is a strength even when others make me think I’m wrong.  The sad thing is.

  Can kindness be taught? Or is it inherent behaviour? Are people born to be kind and others born lacking. Studies in child development show that nurture plays as big as, if not greater, role than nature in this debate. Studies into primates suggest that humans are unique in their receipt of reward chemicals upon showing kindness. This may be an evolutionary gain. Perhaps, when we lived in groups, the need to protect & work together led to an instinctive reward when we demonstrated these behaviours. We developed “Human Kindness”. The question is...... is kindness devolving now we are a more fragmented society? The need to protect, share and collaborate has, to an extent, been replaced by a competitive, individualistic society where each person’s needs are prioritised above the greater good. Do we, therefore, need to start teaching kindness? Can we? Most of our learned behaviours come through mimicry and imitation. Babies watch their mothers mouths form sounds, they l

When we are low, panicked, stressed or overwhelmed it is only natural that our focus is drawn back to what is important: us. Our own opinion, our own feelings. Things in life go wrong. Big things, small things. The shift of equilibrium can leave us feeling unsettled and this can provoke responses that are less considered, less kind. So what can we do? How do we curb the reaction that makes us snap or bitch? How do we let go of the surge of anger that fear often ignites? First things first: DON’T - Turn it inwards. Being kind, as I am learning, MUST include kindness towards yourself.  - Repress. It will seep out somehow and if you store it up it will become noxious.  - Excuse it as acceptable by claiming it is something it’s not: a mere joke, a misunderstanding.  - Be frightened or ashamed. No one is kind all the time. Imagine how horrific a person who was ALWAYS nice would be?!?! Gah!  DO - Try and find a suitable outlet. Maybe, if you’re creative, writing

It is so very hard not to imitate. So very hard not to resort to the easy path of retaliation. I’m guilty of this. I’m guilty of not being patient, not being kind. Maybe it is because we all have spiteful, hateful words inside us. Some of us choose to use our other vocabulary instead most of the time but occasionally our guard slips and out pours our own anger and scorn. I apologise to those who look to me for constant kindness. This week I have failed. I have watched loved ones laid to rest. I have comforted broken, devastated family.  I have faced my own mortality. I have expended energy in worry over those crucial people who are the very heart of my life. I have liberally, purposefully poured kindness from me into the souls and hearts of those who needed it during this horrendous time. But this means that, when it comes to smaller, less significant dealings, I do not have a bottomless well of kindness. I have enough to drop a few instigating stirrings of loveliness into

It has been 7 months since I returned to the UK after a fairly horrific and traumatic experience overseas. I’m that time I have: - grieved for the home I lost - struggled with my identity - said goodbye to wonderful friends - dealt with unfinished issues. Goodbyes that couldn’t happen. Promises that couldn’t be fulfilled. - mourned for a child I might have been having by now  - struggled with my professional confidence  - left a job I loved  - managed the unfairness of it all - dealt with the general logistics of moving 7,000 and starting again back where I was three years ago.  It’s been exhausting. But I promised myself that I would be kind. To myself and to others.  Not so easy at first. We all have the voice that tells us we aren’t good enough. The one that keeps us awake the night before exam results day or that has us in school three hours early on the day of the school show/trip/practical etc  In January my inner voice had a loudspeaker an

Our experiences  are the blocks from which we build our self, our life, our paths. They will take up a certain amount of space and come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It is our job to choose where and how we place them. We can carelessly abandon them for others to trip over. We can throw them into the paths of others with destruction on our agenda. We can place them, calmly, kindly in the best possible manner to allow us, and others, to keep moving forward with minimal difficulty or upset. Recently I experienced an awful trauma. The unexpected suicide of a dear friend. In my house. The process of grief has been exhausting. I think I have experienced every emotion on a looping carousel for the last week. Rage like I have never known..... I’m not brilliant at expressing anger but this event has unstoppered a furious, molten stream of repressed frustration in me. It is scorching and terrifying. I have struggled to ensure that is aimed away from others and vented in a relative

Please know that I cannot and do not speak for every person who lives with anxiety and/or depression and so my list will look and read differently to other people’s BUT...., I wrote this a decade ago for someone who was struggling to be kind to me because he was frightened by my illness. It might just help. You cannot climb inside someone’s skin and know the depths of their fears or pain. You cannot be expected to understand that which you have not known intimately. But kindness is a balm that we can all apply. To ourselves as well. This blog is dedicated to a remarkable group of friends. A community that worked tirelessly to show kindness and compassion and who need to know that everything they did was worth it. They did not fail or let anyone down. It was a battle with a monster and the monster had a man on the inside. My list How can you help me? - by understanding that I do not choose to feel how I feel sometimes and by not making me feel guilty for not being ok -

There are lots of social and moral reasons to spread kindness but how about a few selfish, hedonistic ones? Kindness actually triggers the release of hormones and chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine, seratonin, endogenous opioids) giving you a “Helpers High”. Kindness builds connections which make us feel like part of a tribe or unit. This adds a sense of purpose to our lives and helps relieve existential stress or anxiety. Kindness gets you active. Even if it is the extra walk from your room to that of a colleagues. Kindness can promote movement and help us take steps we might not otherwise have taken. It gets you out of your own head!! The act of thinking about someone else, provoking a positive reaction in another person, helps you to be less self absorbed and therefore a little more mindful. The gratitude of others is contagious and gratitude has been linked to improved sleep patterns, increased energy levels and heightened activity in the hypothalamus which is linked to im

There’s a lot of pressure these days to be happy. To be grateful. To be positive. This is not necessarily an awful thing as I find the little reminders useful to prompt moments of gratitude but I want to highlight something very important. It is ok to not be happy. It is ok to not even be ok. Every emotion we live with is valid and has purpose. To be constantly happy would be exhausting, sometimes we live with contentment. Sometimes we live with a habitual feeling of familiarity and routine with our emotions. I recently discussed this with a friend and she exclaimed “why, after 20 years, am I still shocked when I hit a low at this time of year?!?!” I think we perhaps feel pressured to be happy even when it’s ok not to be. It’s ok to be too tired. It’s ok to be disheartened. It’s ok to be broken by something and it is ok to grieve. Let yourself have those moments. Try not to dwell and drown in them but allow them to happen. They’re real, valid and needed. People with

You didn’t see it, but: - the man you let out in front of you in traffic got home just in time to put his son to bed. Because you were kind. - the woman struggling for change at the parking meter when you gave her your ticket was on the verge of tears. Your kindness made her smile. - the lady next door feels safer at night because you wave and say hello every day and ask if she’s ok. She knows she has someone close by to call on. - the lad on the street has more faith in adults because you stopped and bought him a bacon sandwich and a drink. He might phone home. - the girl sat on the bench on her own felt she had no one until you smiled and said hello and asked if she was ok. She didn’t tell you the truth. She said she was fine but actually she’s been struggling and no one seemed to notice. But you did. You asked. She went home and told her parents. - the mum of three pushing her baby round the supermarket with two screaming children under four was at her wits end. You

It is easy to forget that everything we do, say, hear and experience is coloured by our past experiences and interpretation. This means it is easy to feel angry, hurt, excluded, undermined or devalued by the actions and words of others. Even if that was never their intention. Imagine you have been explicitly told that you are not pretty. Someone has reinforced this for you enough for it to stick. So now you view yourself with this unkindness. Now imagine a scenario where someone innocently says “wow, look at how your freckles have come out in the sun!”. This could be delivered with a multitude of intents. But your life lenses are smeared with the preconceptions of the past. You hear “wow (euuurrrgghh) look at how your freckles (ugly freckles) have come out (made you look ugly) in the sun (you shouldn’t go out in the sun)”.  Your own internal monologue filled in the implications. Your vulnerability lead you to hear the attack in those words.  Now you feel hurt. You’re cryi

I am a lemons into lemonade girl (or just stick them in a large Gin!). A cup half full, life is for living lady. Most of the time my instinctive response is kindness. I have practiced enough that it is almost unconscious. That is not to say I don’t have mean moments. I can be awfully unkind. This usually occurs when I feel life, or some person, has been unkind to me. I react with less patience, less empathy and compassion and less thought. When we are tired and stressed, when a feeling of unfairness pervades our mindset it is difficult to find the optimism and breathing space for kindness. Not least towards ourselves. This is entirely, justifiably human. No one can be Mary Poppins all the time! Not without people frequently inserting that umbrella where the sun doesn’t shine! We are bound to have moments where we are unkind. I strive only for this; - try to resist the unkind. Do not be drawn by the unkindness of others. Wherever possible be the balm and understanding that is ne

I used to wonder if kindness was simply inherent. People were either kind or they weren’t. Then I found myself actively “developing” kindness in myself. Empathy training if you will. I would take a few seconds to consider the impact somethingmight have if I were the recipient. How would I feel? What would the outcome be? I soon realisedthat there is very little gain on either end of an unkind transaction. It might feel like you momentarily gain control or an advantage but, ultimately, you would lose more: the moral high ground, self worth, respect and reputation. It seems slightly mercenary to talk about kindness in economic terms but I realised that, much like most other aspects of human interaction, kindness is a way of validating ourselves and others. It contributes to our purpose and existence. We want to accumulate it. We desire more of it in our lives and we love to distribute it and see the results. Like a currency. And like a currency we can choose how we manage our reserves. W

In the darkest of times we often look close to hand for kindness and support and many of us are lucky enough to have a strong, dependable network to hold us up. This anchor steadies us and pins us firmly in the here and now. But often the most warmth and buoyancy comes from unexpected quarters; The Kindness of Strangers. Or people who have no vested interest in helping to sooth or support. This kindness is beautifully free of obligation and expectations. The judgement it may or may not carry is lighter for not being so interwoven with previous episodes. I think of this kindness like the painkiller after the op! Your friends and family painfully, methodically stitch you back together, working around old scars, fussing and scolding. The kindness that comes left field from those unconnected is a balm or injection of feel good that lets you rest more peacefully, feel more hopeful and heal without constant fear of reopening those wounds. This is my ode to those strangers who become fr

As teachers we have hundreds of interactions each day. From the smallest nod or wave to lengthy discussions. That’s thousands a week. Millions a month.  Whilst most of these interactions might be nondescript, some may stand out for us. Usually because of an emotional reaction. They made us feel good or bad.  Let’s stop and consider the balance. I’m not great at maths or statistic so I’m sure someone elsewhere can put this into data for us at some point but,as an example, let’s say 5 of our 100 encounters are memorable. One might be that a colleague asked you to do something extra. One might be a student who tells you they’re looking forward to your class. One might be a cheery wave from a lunchtime supervisor. One could be a complaint from a parent. One a disagreement about teaching approaches with another member of staff.  Some good. Some not so.  But let’s just think about the balance here: 95 neutral(ish), 2 positive, 3 not so.  None are Evil. None of these peop

It is no wonder that, even as adults, we have learned the art of negative talk. Our media bombards us with constant shock, panic and despair. The body’s natural instincts are on perpetual high alert.  The adrenaline kick from the “flight or fight” reaction can be addictive, prompting us to seek out more drama of the same variety and flavour. Spread it. Replicate.  This is exactly how codependency is formed and it must be unlearned. We do not require such high doses of fear and despondency in our lives. I have no doubt that our emotions and reactions are being manipulated. Some might even say the effects are “divisive”. “Divide and Conquer”. It is easier to catch the weakest of the herd if they are separated. But even without conspiracy theories, negativity might make for larger readership figures but it does not build strong, healthy mindsets.  Perhaps we need a new narrative? Positive press? Not optimistic propaganda. Merely some highlighting of the marvels and wonders

Being cruel to be kind. An oxymoron? An excuse for venting? Bullying? A genuine misapprehension? Whatever the motivation behind the act of cruelty the impact resonates for longer than many of us understand. What is simply an aside or casual decision on the part of the perpetrator can be the final knock to a fragile self esteem or the trauma point that reasserts again and again in someone’s life.  I wish I could, with all conscience, say that I have chosen my words and actions so carefully that I have never been cruel, but it is simply not true. I have allowed petty gripes to manifest as damaging comments and my own perceptions to draw poison from my responses.  I have been swept up by the momentum of the great, all enslaving staff room “moan”.  So, it is whilst wearing the cap of a hypocrite that I ask this......  Why is it so hard to be kind in order to be kind?  Why do we need the cruelty? Where does this desire to hurt, impact, belittle come from?  Is