How to save a life (possibly)

Please know that I cannot and do not speak for every person who lives with anxiety and/or depression and so my list will look and read differently to other people’s BUT....,

I wrote this a decade ago for someone who was struggling to be kind to me because he was frightened by my illness.

It might just help.

You cannot climb inside someone’s skin and know the depths of their fears or pain. You cannot be expected to understand that which you have not known intimately. But kindness is a balm that we can all apply. To ourselves as well.

This blog is dedicated to a remarkable group of friends. A community that worked tirelessly to show kindness and compassion and who need to know that everything they did was worth it. They did not fail or let anyone down. It was a battle with a monster and the monster had a man on the inside.

My list

How can you help me?

- by understanding that I do not choose to feel how I feel sometimes and by not making me feel guilty for not being ok

- by understanding that, whilst I may be perfectly fine at 9.20am, by 9.30 I may feel like I simply cannot go on. Please do not expect me to be fine and to stay fine forever. Relapse is part of the deal with depression.

- by letting me know that you don't hate me, I'm not "too much", you're not bored by me.

- by forgiving me for being shit at times because when I am feeling ok I will do everything in my power to make it up to you.

- by not pushing me away when I am not asking for help but everything about me screams that I need it. I know I frustrate you. I know I anger you. I know I bring you down and make you sad. I'm sorry. But please don't leave me.

- by calmly reminding me of the small things I can do without getting angry when to me they seem like unclimbable mountains.

- by understanding that I do not enjoy this. I do not WANT to be debilitated and feel like I cannot cope. It is not some brilliant excuse that I just wheel out for fun. I would far rather know from one minute to the next that I'm going to be ok.

- by realising that sometimes I cannot even rely upon myself. That some days even the act of surviving is one that I have to drag myself through and that I let myself down at the worst points in life. When I desperately need and want to be strong, with sick timing depression ensures that I am not.

- by accepting that there is no cure. I will not suddenly "get better" and that even my medication or therapy is just a control method. Insulin will not stop a diabetic being diabetic. Pills will not "fix" me. I may always be ill. Try to love both sides of me. If you can't do that then be kind about how you leave my life.

- by understanding that it's not you. It's not your fault. You haven't made it worse or better. Quite selfishly I cannot carry the burden of guilt associated with worrying about how my depression makes you feel. It's not that I don't care. Of course I do. But feeling like I've made you feel bad does not help subdue the nasty voice in my head.


Not exhaustive. Ask what you can do. Share. Talk. Reach out. Please. 

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