Kind to be kind

Being cruel to be kind. An oxymoron? An excuse for venting? Bullying? A genuine misapprehension? Whatever the motivation behind the act of cruelty the impact resonates for longer than many of us understand. What is simply an aside or casual decision on the part of the perpetrator can be the final knock to a fragile self esteem or the trauma point that reasserts again and again in someone’s life. 

I wish I could, with all conscience, say that I have chosen my words and actions so carefully that I have never been cruel, but it is simply not true. I have allowed petty gripes to manifest as damaging comments and my own perceptions to draw poison from my responses. 

I have been swept up by the momentum of the great, all enslaving staff room “moan”. 

So, it is whilst wearing the cap of a hypocrite that I ask this...... 

Why is it so hard to be kind in order to be kind? 

Why do we need the cruelty?

Where does this desire to hurt, impact, belittle come from? 

Is it learned? I look around staffrooms around the world and I see intelligent humans who have chosen to dedicate their time and energy to a “caring” profession and even they struggle to fight an inner battle that presses unpleasantness from them. 

There are so many potentially contributing factors: stress, tiredness, fear, insecurity, obliviousness, peer pressure

But the irony of it is not lost on me. We walk in to our classrooms each day and ask our students to model “good” behaviour: kindness, patience, support, compassion, empathy, resilience, team work, creativity. They do a good job of learning from our words, from our carefully created resources. Some need very little to ignite the natural kindness within that parents have already instilled. But others don’t really listen or look at our resources. Instead they watch. They mimic. And what they see is not good. 

They see humans who do not interact with joy. They see individuals who segregate themselves into cliques and bemoan change. 

It is not all terrible. In this voyeurism they also see people respond with lightness and hope. But all too often they see these people crushed by the weight of pessimism and negativity that adults exude without even being aware. 

“That’s just life!” I hear you cry. “We can’t all be Pollyanna or sugar and spice and all things nice.”

True. There are times when we all succumb to the tribulations of life and are not at our best. But these times should be the exception. Not the rule. 

If we find ourselves whining, bitching and moaning on a regular basis then something is wrong. It is also wrong to allow these behaviours to influence the open, vulnerable learners in our care. 

There will be some who, upon reading this, are already starting their moan or recriminations. I understand. Life has been unkind. It has hurt and damaged the kindness within you and made you build a barrier of cruelty to hide behind. But please stop and ask yourself one thing. Do you really feel we should live in a world where kindness is so easily and readily dismissed? Think of the kindnesses shown to you. Who would you be without them? 

We are shaped by the challenges we face and the traumas we endure. We are toughened to resilience by the school of hard knocks. 

But in the end, the reason life is worth it all, the reason we continue, our purpose in everything we do is because of kindness given and kindness received. 

Let’s increase the currency. Exchange kindness more often. Make positivity a trend and model the very best we can for future generations.