Unhappy or not happy




There’s a lot of pressure these days to be happy. To be grateful. To be positive. This is not necessarily an awful thing as I find the little reminders useful to prompt moments of gratitude but I want to highlight something very important.

It is ok to not be happy.

It is ok to not even be ok.

Every emotion we live with is valid and has purpose. To be constantly happy would be exhausting, sometimes we live with contentment. Sometimes we live with a habitual feeling of familiarity and routine with our emotions.

I recently discussed this with a friend and she exclaimed “why, after 20 years, am I still shocked when I hit a low at this time of year?!?!”

I think we perhaps feel pressured to be happy even when it’s ok not to be. It’s ok to be too tired. It’s ok to be disheartened. It’s ok to be broken by something and it is ok to grieve.

Let yourself have those moments. Try not to dwell and drown in them but allow them to happen. They’re real, valid and needed.

People with compassion and empathy will understand this. You aren’t letting anyone down by being less than your usual, cheerful self.

Don’t think of sadness or even a state of impassiveness as sinister. Your brain and body are dealing with things. Better to do it now than attempt to unravel it all in the future.

I have spent rather too long berating myself for not managing ‘Happy’ enough.

“Why can’t I just be happy?”
“I should be happy!”
“I have every reason in the world to be happy! What is wrong with me?”

Nothing. Well, ok, not strictly true. Prolonged periods of unhappiness/apathy can signify an issue with mental wellbeing and should be discussed with a GP. But essentially I was punishing myself for feeling scared, upset and distressed by things that were scary, upsetting and distressing.

I had dealt with loss, heartbreak, high stress, pressure, disruption and trauma. To expect happiness from myself was overly ambitious and unrealistic.

But often we feel there is a time limit on how long we can be “not happy”.

How long until our friends get bored?
How long until people think we are being silly or selfish?
How long before it stops being “normal”?
What if we don’t appear “brave”?

A lot of people think bravery is smiling when you aren’t ok. I think they’re wrong. Bravery is being exactly what you need to be when you need to be it and not giving a damn what others think because you are dealing with it all the best you can!

I wish I hadn’t been so “brave”. I wish I had let certain people see the hurt and sadness. It wouldn’t have made me weaker or them stronger. In fact, real happiness took longer to find because I masqueraded the fake when I should have been cathartically allowing my real emotions.

So, to those of you not feeling so ok today. That’s fine my darlings. You are still wonderful and brave. You are still valid. Be what you need to be and the rest of us will be here with you until you feel ready to smile.

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