Genuine Kindness
I believe this despite endless experiences to the contrary.
I decided I might need help in finding out how to spot the disingenuous from the genuine.
Research
I began with a google search “how to spot genuine kindness”.
Oh dear. According to this search and the top three responses, I possess many traits of someone who isn’t genuinely kind. That’s a bit worrying. (Apparently being sensitive about such things can mean you aren’t genuine though so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be worried!)
“People who are genuinely kind don’t care if they are liked.”
Really? Wowza. Do they care if they are hated? I wonder because, is it not human instinct to care?
Some aspects of these self help articles seem sensible:
- they treat everyone with respect
- they do things for others without expecting anything in return
- they build people up rather than knock them down
This makes sense. I’m back on tract in terms of being a REAL kind person.
Oh... wait. Really kind people don’t want attention. Damn it. I’m performing arts to my very core! I bloody love the limelight! I didn’t realise it made me unkind though. It appears that I’m neither kind nor unkind so far. Or perhaps just Jekyl and Hyde?
The research has confused me even further and I’m not only questioning my instincts about others but also my own judgement of what is kind and whether I manage it!
Soul searching
I have scrutinised and analysed my actions and intentions repeatedly for days. Am I kind when I’m not consciously making an effort? Research told me that genuinely kind people don’t need to try. It is effortless and inherent.
I ponder my motives. Do I think of others enough? Am I instinctively kind? I know that I made a lot of my kindness habitual as part of my own wellbeing routine. Is that vested self interest?
This is doing my noggin in so I flip the question: am I unkind?
No. Not purposefully. Or at least VERY rarely and never without continued provocation.
Do I have unkind thoughts? Well, yes. But I don’t voice them or act upon them. I try enormously hard to quash them.
Is the fact that I have to try to repress unkind thoughts a sign of my innate unkindness?!?
I’m entering a worm hole of self doubt here.
Opinion poll
It’s clear that I don’t actually know my own mind nor do I trust my own opinions. So I place this in the hands of others.
The responses are very positive. Apparently I’m very kind. Super kind.
Too kind.
This statement is used A LOT.
I’m too kind? How on earth does that work? Surely there’s no limit to kindness?
One friendly gently explains using a fabulous quotation. (See image).
She says that kindness isn’t about allowing others to always feel good whilst you take the cruddy stuff. She explains that kindness is sometimes about holding others accountable for their decisions and actions.
Oh. I am beginning to understand.
Being kind doesn’t mean you have to allow others to be unkind. Nor does it mean you should allow others to pray upon or over use your kindness. Kindness has boundaries.
So where does this leave me in terms of knowing who is genuine and who is not? For those who care, here is my simple checklist.
- have they been repeatedly unkind to you or others?
- do they want something from you that you are unable or unwilling to give?
- do they make you feel better or worse about yourself?
- do you feel you could genuinely ask for their help/support?
- do they care about what happens to other people as well as themselves?
- do they have expectations of you that you would not give to yourself and do these make you unhappy?
It’s not extensive. But it’s where I can draw my line. I’m bound to keep getting it wrong but it is preferable to becoming a kindness skeptic. I would rather naively be hurt occasionally than discount even the smallest grain of kindness in someone!
Always look for the best.
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