Keeping it Kind

People often assume that to be kind means we are “nice”. It is simply not true. One is an action or intent born of genuine care for ourselves and others. The other is a people pleasing approach that can encourage inequality, unfairness and bullying.  Being kind does not mean turning a blind eye to unpleasantness. It does not mean ignoring the damaging actions of individuals or groups.  Being kind can sometimes mean being strongly, firmly in opposition to something. We must make sure though that we are not drawn into nastiness, griping and unkindness by the attitudes and provocation of other people.  This is much easier said than done.  I find the best way is to tackle the behaviour rather than the perpetrators. Rather than: “You are a liar and unpleasant. You do and say horrible things” Instead I approach it as: “Lying is a slippery slope. As is unnecessary unpleasantness. If everyone thought before commenting then the world would be far mor...

Of course I am unkind sometimes!! I would be inhuman if I didn’t experience flashes of resentment, anger, frustration, envy and other negative emotions. In many ways I am “lucky” though, in that my ability to project kindness outwards is greater because often I turn many negative emotions inwards. The negative aspects of this are huge. At my core I am kind but in being unpleasant to myself I am reinforcing a behaviour pattern that I do not like. So what can I do? Firstly..... Kindness does not mean allowing others to do as they please all the time. You can have boundaries, hold others accountable and still do it kindly. Get your boundaries in place and be kind but firm. Secondly.... Start with you. Treat yourself as an un nurtured bird. Your wings are weakened from lack of sustenance and your throat is sore from singing for the pleasure of others. Use your voice to say good things about yourself. This is not egotism or narcissistic. It is fairness. You are not deservin...

How does it feel?  There it is. That stabbing tightness in my chest that forces a sob from my throat. A throat that is painfully constricted from holding back hysteria.  What is that tightness? It’s my body registering my mind’s thoughts of escaping. It’s my body reacting to the feeling of being so trapped, so sad, so exhausted.  Tears are spilling uncontrollably and I wonder how on earth I’ve ended up here again.  I was fine earlier. I was happily preaching kindness to Twitter and following my new “routine”. I didn’t do anything to trigger this. I didn’t speak to anyone who hurt me. I wasn’t sad when I started crying even. I was watching a tv series.  There was a woman on her own, struggling to be everything to everyone and survive.  Maybe I felt empathy. Maybe, selfishly, I saw myself in her and felt self pity. But it shouldn’t have unleashed this tidal wave of despondency.  That’s the thing with Depression and Anxiety combined, sometime...

I have been thinking a lot about how grateful and lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. I am rarely lonely. I have family, friends, colleagues and tweetiepies all keeping an eye on me this festive season. I won’t lie. It is this that has saved me this year. The warmth and kindness of YOU! All of you. You have reached out and made another human feel worthwhile. Thank you! So, now that I am a little stronger, I am contemplating how to stretch my usual kindness into the Christmas season.  This is a hard and lonely time of year for so many people. People who are isolated, estranged from loved ones, homeless or far from home in a strange and unfamiliar country. People who are elderly, people for whom there is a poignantly empty chair at their table, people whose Christmas will be spent in or by a hospital bed.  More than ever I feel the urge to connect. It is so important that we insure that the vulnerable are cared for. So what can we do? Here is what a little re...

I like to think that we all start out with the intention of being kind. We want to make others happy. We desire for the world to be calm and peaceful.  But the habit of thinking and acting with clemency and kindness is a hard one to develop. We are drawn into whinges, into pointing out negatives in lives, in ideas, in others, in ourselves.  I suppose this post could be about many things: forgiving, choosing peace, letting go of grievances. But I like the idea of clemency towards ourselves and others.  Making mistakes is human. Saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing.... even believing the wrong thing. All human foibles. The world needs more mercy. I believe seeking to understand rather than seeking to judge is the greatest pathway to happiness. People are rarely cruel or unpleasant as a natural disposition. They have their reasons, journeys and baggage that can make them so.  If someone carrying a suitcase arrived at a station hot, flustered and annoyed would y...

I often find it difficult to trust my instincts when it comes to knowing how genuine someone is. I tend to believe that the world is kind. People are generally nice. Intentions are usually good. I believe this despite endless experiences to the contrary.  I decided I might need help in finding out how to spot the disingenuous from the genuine.   Research I began with a google search “how to spot genuine kindness”.  Oh dear. According to this search and the top three responses, I possess many traits of someone who isn’t genuinely kind. That’s a bit worrying. (Apparently being sensitive about such things can mean you aren’t genuine though so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be worried!)  “People who are genuinely kind don’t care if they are liked.” Really? Wowza. Do they care if they are hated? I wonder because, is it not human instinct to care?  Some aspects of these self help articles seem sensible:  - they treat everyone w...

Happy world kindness day! I awoke this morning after experiencing one act of unkindness and then hundreds of acts of loveliness in response last night. I’m sat in my new bed, which my brother kindly helped me put together, in my newly decorated bedroom, which my friend Sam kindly helped me paint, propped up by silk pillows, which my friend Abi donated to my DIY cause. If I were to move around my house I would see the kindness of others everywhere. It is ingrained in these four walls. It is on my phone  via messages and on social media and in voicemails from my mum! It is outside my door in my neighbours who have supported me to move back home after a difficult experience.  Sometimes it is hard to see or feel this beautiful effect. We become obsessed by the obvious things like hurt, anger, stress or despondency and forget to look just one layer deeper to the ever-present kindness that envelops us.  Yes, there are unworthy, unkind people in the world. I cannot lie. There ar...