Kindness vs Niceness

People often assume that to be kind means we are “nice”. It is simply not true. One is an action or intent born of genuine care for ourselves and others. The other is a people pleasing approach that can encourage inequality, unfairness and bullying. 

Being kind does not mean turning a blind eye to unpleasantness. It does not mean ignoring the damaging actions of individuals or groups.

 Being kind can sometimes mean being strongly, firmly in opposition to something. We must make sure though that we are not drawn into nastiness, griping and unkindness by the attitudes and provocation of other people. 

This is much easier said than done. 

I find the best way is to tackle the behaviour rather than the perpetrators. Rather than:

“You are a liar and unpleasant. You do and say horrible things”

Instead I approach it as:

“Lying is a slippery slope. As is unnecessary unpleasantness. If everyone thought before commenting then the world would be far more pleasant”

Maybe I have an inherent fear of confrontation? Maybe I do need to be more direct but I have found that tackling things on a personal “headlock” level often exacerbates a situation. No one wins. The feelings are hurtful on both sides. 

Distance yourself from the person. Speak of the behaviour instead. You can even speak of your expectations. 

“I always hope that interactions between intelligent/grown up/professional people will be polite, respectful and productive”

And lastly. Sometimes our actions are what demonstrate our kindness best:

“This has been an interesting interaction but I feel it isn’t helpful or kind so I’m going to wish you a pleasant day/evening and end it here”

You are not obliged to fix unkindness in others. Instead let it boost the kindness in you. For every unkindness demonstrates towards you try to pay out extra kindness outward (not necessarily towards THAT specific person!!) That way the results can only be positive. 

It is a challenge to be kind in a world that supports the nastiness of shaming, the cruelty of  competition and the unfeeling greed of selfish gain. Difficult but never impossible!