Keeping it Kind

There is a limit to every good person’s reserves of kindness. Sometimes the kindest people do not set their own value highly enough. They allow themselves to be drained by those who see kindness as weakness.  This is a conundrum for me. I genuinely believe in being kind in the face of cruelty. I believe the force of kindness is unparalleled in bringing about positive change.  But I find myself drained. My kindness has been used up by people who wasted it, took more than they needed and squandered it thoughtlessly. I am only human. It hurts to know I have been used unfairly.   Those who struggle to understand kindness have repeatedly told me to toughen up, wise up and stop giving my kindness away. If only I could. But it is often those who are cruelest who are most in need of kindness.  So I keep pouring kindness on stony ground. I keep allowing myself to be tapped as a resource. I try to remember that being kind is a strength even when others make me think I’m wrong....

  Can kindness be taught? Or is it inherent behaviour? Are people born to be kind and others born lacking. Studies in child development show that nurture plays as big as, if not greater, role than nature in this debate. Studies into primates suggest that humans are unique in their receipt of reward chemicals upon showing kindness. This may be an evolutionary gain. Perhaps, when we lived in groups, the need to protect & work together led to an instinctive reward when we demonstrated these behaviours. We developed “Human Kindness”. The question is...... is kindness devolving now we are a more fragmented society? The need to protect, share and collaborate has, to an extent, been replaced by a competitive, individualistic society where each person’s needs are prioritised above the greater good. Do we, therefore, need to start teaching kindness? Can we? Most of our learned behaviours come through mimicry and imitation. Babies watch their mothers mouths form sounds, th...

When we are low, panicked, stressed or overwhelmed it is only natural that our focus is drawn back to what is important: us. Our own opinion, our own feelings. Things in life go wrong. Big things, small things. The shift of equilibrium can leave us feeling unsettled and this can provoke responses that are less considered, less kind. So what can we do? How do we curb the reaction that makes us snap or bitch? How do we let go of the surge of anger that fear often ignites? First things first: DON’T - Turn it inwards. Being kind, as I am learning, MUST include kindness towards yourself.  - Repress. It will seep out somehow and if you store it up it will become noxious.  - Excuse it as acceptable by claiming it is something it’s not: a mere joke, a misunderstanding.  - Be frightened or ashamed. No one is kind all the time. Imagine how horrific a person who was ALWAYS nice would be?!?! Gah!  DO - Try and find a suitable outlet. Maybe, if you’r...

It is so very hard not to imitate. So very hard not to resort to the easy path of retaliation. I’m guilty of this. I’m guilty of not being patient, not being kind. Maybe it is because we all have spiteful, hateful words inside us. Some of us choose to use our other vocabulary instead most of the time but occasionally our guard slips and out pours our own anger and scorn. I apologise to those who look to me for constant kindness. This week I have failed. I have watched loved ones laid to rest. I have comforted broken, devastated family.  I have faced my own mortality. I have expended energy in worry over those crucial people who are the very heart of my life. I have liberally, purposefully poured kindness from me into the souls and hearts of those who needed it during this horrendous time. But this means that, when it comes to smaller, less significant dealings, I do not have a bottomless well of kindness. I have enough to drop a few instigating stirrings of loveliness i...

It has been 7 months since I returned to the UK after a fairly horrific and traumatic experience overseas. I’m that time I have: - grieved for the home I lost - struggled with my identity - said goodbye to wonderful friends - dealt with unfinished issues. Goodbyes that couldn’t happen. Promises that couldn’t be fulfilled. - mourned for a child I might have been having by now  - struggled with my professional confidence  - left a job I loved  - managed the unfairness of it all - dealt with the general logistics of moving 7,000 and starting again back where I was three years ago.  It’s been exhausting. But I promised myself that I would be kind. To myself and to others.  Not so easy at first. We all have the voice that tells us we aren’t good enough. The one that keeps us awake the night before exam results day or that has us in school three hours early on the day of the school show/trip/practical etc  In January my inn...

Our experiences  are the blocks from which we build our self, our life, our paths. They will take up a certain amount of space and come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It is our job to choose where and how we place them. We can carelessly abandon them for others to trip over. We can throw them into the paths of others with destruction on our agenda. We can place them, calmly, kindly in the best possible manner to allow us, and others, to keep moving forward with minimal difficulty or upset. Recently I experienced an awful trauma. The unexpected suicide of a dear friend. In my house. The process of grief has been exhausting. I think I have experienced every emotion on a looping carousel for the last week. Rage like I have never known..... I’m not brilliant at expressing anger but this event has unstoppered a furious, molten stream of repressed frustration in me. It is scorching and terrifying. I have struggled to ensure that is aimed away from others and vented in a rela...

Please know that I cannot and do not speak for every person who lives with anxiety and/or depression and so my list will look and read differently to other people’s BUT...., I wrote this a decade ago for someone who was struggling to be kind to me because he was frightened by my illness. It might just help. You cannot climb inside someone’s skin and know the depths of their fears or pain. You cannot be expected to understand that which you have not known intimately. But kindness is a balm that we can all apply. To ourselves as well. This blog is dedicated to a remarkable group of friends. A community that worked tirelessly to show kindness and compassion and who need to know that everything they did was worth it. They did not fail or let anyone down. It was a battle with a monster and the monster had a man on the inside. My list How can you help me? - by understanding that I do not choose to feel how I feel sometimes and by not making me feel guilty for not being ok -...