Keeping it Kind

It has been 7 months since I returned to the UK after a fairly horrific and traumatic experience overseas. I’m that time I have: - grieved for the home I lost - struggled with my identity - said goodbye to wonderful friends - dealt with unfinished issues. Goodbyes that couldn’t happen. Promises that couldn’t be fulfilled. - mourned for a child I might have been having by now  - struggled with my professional confidence  - left a job I loved  - managed the unfairness of it all - dealt with the general logistics of moving 7,000 and starting again back where I was three years ago.  It’s been exhausting. But I promised myself that I would be kind. To myself and to others.  Not so easy at first. We all have the voice that tells us we aren’t good enough. The one that keeps us awake the night before exam results day or that has us in school three hours early on the day of the school show/trip/practical etc  In January my inn...

Our experiences  are the blocks from which we build our self, our life, our paths. They will take up a certain amount of space and come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It is our job to choose where and how we place them. We can carelessly abandon them for others to trip over. We can throw them into the paths of others with destruction on our agenda. We can place them, calmly, kindly in the best possible manner to allow us, and others, to keep moving forward with minimal difficulty or upset. Recently I experienced an awful trauma. The unexpected suicide of a dear friend. In my house. The process of grief has been exhausting. I think I have experienced every emotion on a looping carousel for the last week. Rage like I have never known..... I’m not brilliant at expressing anger but this event has unstoppered a furious, molten stream of repressed frustration in me. It is scorching and terrifying. I have struggled to ensure that is aimed away from others and vented in a rela...

Please know that I cannot and do not speak for every person who lives with anxiety and/or depression and so my list will look and read differently to other people’s BUT...., I wrote this a decade ago for someone who was struggling to be kind to me because he was frightened by my illness. It might just help. You cannot climb inside someone’s skin and know the depths of their fears or pain. You cannot be expected to understand that which you have not known intimately. But kindness is a balm that we can all apply. To ourselves as well. This blog is dedicated to a remarkable group of friends. A community that worked tirelessly to show kindness and compassion and who need to know that everything they did was worth it. They did not fail or let anyone down. It was a battle with a monster and the monster had a man on the inside. My list How can you help me? - by understanding that I do not choose to feel how I feel sometimes and by not making me feel guilty for not being ok -...

There are lots of social and moral reasons to spread kindness but how about a few selfish, hedonistic ones? Kindness actually triggers the release of hormones and chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine, seratonin, endogenous opioids) giving you a “Helpers High”. Kindness builds connections which make us feel like part of a tribe or unit. This adds a sense of purpose to our lives and helps relieve existential stress or anxiety. Kindness gets you active. Even if it is the extra walk from your room to that of a colleagues. Kindness can promote movement and help us take steps we might not otherwise have taken. It gets you out of your own head!! The act of thinking about someone else, provoking a positive reaction in another person, helps you to be less self absorbed and therefore a little more mindful. The gratitude of others is contagious and gratitude has been linked to improved sleep patterns, increased energy levels and heightened activity in the hypothalamus which is linked to im...

There’s a lot of pressure these days to be happy. To be grateful. To be positive. This is not necessarily an awful thing as I find the little reminders useful to prompt moments of gratitude but I want to highlight something very important. It is ok to not be happy. It is ok to not even be ok. Every emotion we live with is valid and has purpose. To be constantly happy would be exhausting, sometimes we live with contentment. Sometimes we live with a habitual feeling of familiarity and routine with our emotions. I recently discussed this with a friend and she exclaimed “why, after 20 years, am I still shocked when I hit a low at this time of year?!?!” I think we perhaps feel pressured to be happy even when it’s ok not to be. It’s ok to be too tired. It’s ok to be disheartened. It’s ok to be broken by something and it is ok to grieve. Let yourself have those moments. Try not to dwell and drown in them but allow them to happen. They’re real, valid and needed. People with ...

You didn’t see it, but: - the man you let out in front of you in traffic got home just in time to put his son to bed. Because you were kind. - the woman struggling for change at the parking meter when you gave her your ticket was on the verge of tears. Your kindness made her smile. - the lady next door feels safer at night because you wave and say hello every day and ask if she’s ok. She knows she has someone close by to call on. - the lad on the street has more faith in adults because you stopped and bought him a bacon sandwich and a drink. He might phone home. - the girl sat on the bench on her own felt she had no one until you smiled and said hello and asked if she was ok. She didn’t tell you the truth. She said she was fine but actually she’s been struggling and no one seemed to notice. But you did. You asked. She went home and told her parents. - the mum of three pushing her baby round the supermarket with two screaming children under four was at her wits end. You ...

It is easy to forget that everything we do, say, hear and experience is coloured by our past experiences and interpretation. This means it is easy to feel angry, hurt, excluded, undermined or devalued by the actions and words of others. Even if that was never their intention. Imagine you have been explicitly told that you are not pretty. Someone has reinforced this for you enough for it to stick. So now you view yourself with this unkindness. Now imagine a scenario where someone innocently says “wow, look at how your freckles have come out in the sun!”. This could be delivered with a multitude of intents. But your life lenses are smeared with the preconceptions of the past. You hear “wow (euuurrrgghh) look at how your freckles (ugly freckles) have come out (made you look ugly) in the sun (you shouldn’t go out in the sun)”.  Your own internal monologue filled in the implications. Your vulnerability lead you to hear the attack in those words.  Now you feel hurt. Yo...