The Being in wellbeing

Do you ever feel like nothing you do is quite enough? Like you try but never quite live up to your own expectations or the expectations of others? Like just “being” is a challenge?

With more and more people being honest and open about imposter syndrome and mental health at the moment it feels like an ideal time to say this:

If so many people feel this way then the problem is unlikely to be with them.

Six months ago I walked away from an “opportunity”. If I’m honest I still berate myself for doing so even though I know it wasn’t MY opportunity. It wasn’t right for me. But the expectation of society is that we MAKE things work. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was emotionally and compassionately fatigued.

Something had to change and, despite two decades of trying, I realised it wasn’t going to be me.

I felt my world start to slide and spin. The substance beneath me shift and crumble.

If I wasn’t a teacher then who was I? Fifteen years of identifying as “Miss”.

I felt lost, frightened and a complete failure.

I spent days huddled in a darkened room, wrapped in my duvet and sobbing endless, confused, childish tears.

My routine fell apart. Teeth were left uncleaned, hunger vanished and my world diminished to the four walls of my room.

I would lie paralysed with anxiety, knowing that I HAD to earn, I HAD to function. My mortgage wasn’t going to pay itself. I would become exasperated by the weight that pinned me to the bed. The feeling of “what is the point?”.

Every moment that I spent in this fugue of despondency made it worse. I hated myself for being “weak” and “incapable”. I would experience severe panic if the phone or doorbell rang because I knew I wasn’t managing and I didn’t know how to explain.

I am VERY lucky. I had people who fed me, held me, listened and empathised. I had an army of supporters who lent me their strength and celebrated my inroads into just BEING.

Soon I realised that “being” was all the expectation needed sometimes. That existing was enough. Ultimately, the people who loved me did not care if the house was tidy or my bills were in order as long as I was SAFE.

This understanding, this knowledge that being me is enough..... it has saved my life. Because in the moments when I am still paralysed with anxiety or the weight of expectations seems to bear down on me I remember: I am “being” the very best that I can right now. Every day that I allow myself that incremental success is a step towards regaining the self worth and identity that I lost.

I know there are some who may judge me for a perceived weakness. There will be some who genuinely believe the adage of “suck it up buttercup”.

To them I say - I am so glad that you don’t understand. I am glad that your experiences thus far have not brought you into contact with this feeling. I am genuinely happy that you have lived a life where you have avoided this. Please take a moment and consider that no one particularly WANTS to feel this way and, whilst I vehemently hope it never happens to you, no one is immune to this.

It is not all bleak though!!

Some days I teach 5 hrs and plan and mark and then write and cook and clean and....


Others I switch off the phone, turn off the lights and concentrate on the “being” in wellbeing.